This is a spoof of "Man versus Wild".

Chap versus Wild

Nigel Hedge is the English host of the “Chap versus Wild” series.

“My name is Nigel Hedge and I am going to show you how to survive the White Mountains of New Hampshire with just three items ….. a camping kit, food ….. and water.”

Dramatic music.

Camera shows Hedge on a sunny day, trudging through the woods near a brook.

NH. “As you can see, the White Mountains can be a pretty formidable place. Temperatures in the summer can get into the 80’s during the day and drop to the 50’s at night. This is a heavily forested area and the bugs can be relentless. If you don’t have insect repellent you can literally get eaten alive. Fortunately I do have insect repellent so I’m going to use it right now. (Pulls out spray can from pack and applies).”

Camera follows him forging through woods. Hedge is being overly dramatic about the terrain which is actually a pleasant woodland trail. He trips over a very small stump and has dirt and leaves all over his face.

NH sits on a log and talks directly to the camera in a hushed, exhausted voice. “I’ve been slogging through these woods for about half an hour now and I’m starting to get tired and hungry. My back is a bit sweaty and my feet are sore and achy. I have no idea where I am so I think that I will rest and take shelter.”

Camera shows NH putting up a tent in an idyllic spot next to the brook.

NH. “I do have a camping kit so I thought that I would use it. I missed breakfast this morning because I overslept and that muffin and coffee I ate mid morning just isn’t doing it for me. This is a good spot to camp so I’m going to settle in and then I’m going to do something about food.”

Camera shows NH cooking a pot of chili and toasting tortillas over an open fire.

NH. “This chili is really good and we all know that you just can’t beat cooking over an open fire. It is really important to get plenty of fluids so I am going to supplement my dinner with some Newcastle Brown Ale. I don’t have a fridge but this cool brook does the job just as well. If you find yourself lost in the White Mountains you should always remember that these cool mountain streams are an excellent way to keep your beer cold.”

Camera goes inside tent.

NH is reading the Guardian sports section and rolls to one side to fart.

NH. “People ask me all the time, what the most important piece of equipment is for surviving in the White Mountains. I think that the key is the camping kit. I always toss in a newspaper because it’s nice to stay informed if you don’t have a telly.”

Camera goes to NH studying animal tracks by the brook. He recoils when he gets a bug in his eye. (Side bar with the cameraman who is trying to help get the bug out .. NH keeps saying “no, no, no, still in there” and finally says “yep, you’ve got it”).

Camera goes back to inside of the tent in the middle of the night.

NH. “It’s about 2am and I heard something rustling around outside. I think it was a chipmunk although it could have been something much bigger like a moose or a bear. Anyway, I could not get back to sleep so I made myself a cup of cocoa and now I’m doing a crossword puzzle. (Turns to cameraman and asks … what’s the capital of Peru?) It could have been a squirrel or a venison. I know that you can eat a venison. I once heard of a couple who ate nothing but venison for two days and they survived. Pretty sure that they must have dug up some wild truffles too.”

The next day.

NH. “The weather really took a turn for the worse and the tent was getting damp. I quickly ran through my options and decided to wait out the rain.”

Camera goes to NH sitting in his car listening to the radio and cutting his nails.

NH in a very earnest tone. “If you don’t have access to your car when it rains like this, you are really in trouble. There is no real way to explain how to deal with rain in the forest so I’m just going to have to show you how to do it.”

Camera goes to NH standing outside his tent getting soaked.

NH. “The best way to avoid getting your clothes really wet is to take them off. The temperature around here at the moment is a cool 74 degrees but I’m going for it anyway.”

Camera shows NH stripping off to his union jack underwear and hanging up his clothes on a washing line inside his tent.

NH. “I hope that you now have some ideas on how to survive in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I’m heading off to town now for a cappuccino.”

Dramatic music fades out.

Grant Scott

7.15.07